Rant 95: Protesting protests

Today became an unusual day in Manchester United's history. A form of protest rarely envisioned, let alone seen, at Old Trafford called into question an appointment that was expected to be just a step short of "divine will".

Slightly short of pointless

When the plane dragging the "Wrong One - Moyes Out" Banner flew over Old Trafford, a section of the home fans booed, another sang out the usual songs, whilst Manchester United were on the road to a "routine" wobbly win against Aston Villa. If you wondered why no one, metaphorically, gave much of a crap about this protest, then the answer would be that the pre-match build-up had been about little else. David Moyes, the manager under fire, even made the first move by emerging out of the tunnel ahead of his team, giving the fans present at Old Trafford the chance to show their support. So the lack of enthusiasm, or indeed lack of shock, about the protest was understandable.
The manner of the protest itself has been deemed "classless" by some quarters, this after protest organiser Wes Jones claimed in the build-up that "the rumblings of discontent have started in the stands".
Manchester United are now more than 20 points off their position from 2012/13, have a home record only better than some teams fighting for survival, and have rarely won against top-five opposition this season.  It is easy to put the blame on Moyes, who essentially inherited a title-winning side. It is only slightly harder to blame the players, even if Moyes contends there are several ageing limbs - and perhaps rightly so.
The plane/banner protest was presumably in response to a banner that hangs from Old Trafford's Stretford End stand reading "The Chosen One". Sir Alex Ferguson's role in Moyes' appointment was deemed a godsend in the summer, but has now become a point of parody. However, taking the protest from within to newer heights (pardon the pun) was uncalled for. For the majority of fans, the season has gone unexpectedly, but they remain aware of the need to give Moyes time. We remain contenders for a Europa League spot, and need full backing ahead of the Bayern Munich tie. And yes, we are still in contention for the Champions League, no matter how much Bayern lick their lips. Amid all this, the need to maintain support is crucial. It is, of course, as Moyes put it, the right of fans to protest. But what effect does flying a banner over a stadium for all of six seconds achieve, especially when everyone already knows you're going to do it? (At least a certain betting company had the brass to sneak up their own banner on the odds of Fergie making a comeback without anyone getting a whiff!) Protests are meant to shock and this one, thankfully, did not earn its intended mileage either during or after the game.
I have complete respect for those wishing to make their voices heard, but the banner stunt has made us a laughing stock. To my mind, it certainly trumps the anti-Venkys protests at Ewood Park, complete with a live chicken let loose on the pitch.
Our 4-1 win over Aston Villa should be remembered first for the support shown to Moyes, and then for further confidence boosters for our Bayern game. Wayne Rooney continued his good form with two goals, and Juan Mata at last got his first United goal, fittingly, at the same Stretford End that has become a talking point in recent days. In addition, I take heart from Javier Hernandez's display, which saw him score a first league goal since mid-January. Chicharito has failed to hit the heights he achieved under Ferguson, but I'm backing him to come good.
Banners cannot make or break a team. Moyes would certainly not have expected 100% support from the fans last summer, especially with many hoping for Jose Mourinho to be given the role, but fans have to learn to be patient. Several thousand, myself included, have followed United with the idea that winning is a way of life. That is no longer the case, but I am more than content to wait for a good transfer window in the summer and see how this season's recruits gel in from there on. Whatever happens, I know better than to throw my money at a plane banner. 

Rant 94: A radical slip of the tongue

Brett Lee once discovered to
his annoyance how bloody
dangerous fielding on the
ropes is

Ever watched a cricket match, and wondered which was the most important fielding position? I would wager the majority probably doesn't, myself included. After all, there is no guarantee of where the ball will be hit. Well, unless you're Chris Gayle, in which case the best position is probably with the chana wala outside the stadium.
But I'm talking about a position that is used only in certain periods of the match. Not always like a wicketkeeper, not always like point, perhaps, or even not as frequently as fine-leg. I'm talking about the slips.
There's no doubt that the three slip positions (and possibly the gully) are the most used only in the first 10 or 15 overs, when the ball is at its most menacing and the fast bowlers are trying to get movement. An edge to slip is arguably the most common method of dismissal in the first five overs of any game (no opener worth his salt will try a heave in the first five and risk being caught out by early bounce). And leg slip provides valuable deterrent when the spin-led middle overs come by.
Now, I've always wondered about the fielding positions that fast bowlers are used in. If it sounds like I've taken off somewhere else, bear with me. The most common position fast bowlers are put in is on the boundary. Seems logical, perhaps. They have good arms from years of turning it over; good pace from years of watching Shoaib Akhtar; and a good eye from years of trying to hit the correct spot on a pitch. Plus I've heard it said that it's a lazy job, that you're standing around doing nothing for a lot of the time - unless you count drinking Gatorade as a form of exercise.
But I've always been struck by how easily it can go wrong for a fielder at, say, deep square-leg, or maybe deep cover, or even third-man in those nervy middle overs. Putting in the yards to stop a boundary has inevitably led to some body part taking an unnatural position in the climax and there's an injury. Plus add in the fact that the swift release and pacy throws from the deep are, no doubt, hell on the arm. And in the death overs, do you really expect batsmen to not be going for boundary shots?
So my argument is, why not stick them in the slips? Why is it necessary for a player, whose main job on a cricket field is basically to run really fast and turn his arm over six times in a few minutes, to then have even more running and arm slinging to do?
It does sound very radical, I agree, and not traditional at all. I'm a fan of the traditional (given my hatred of Virender Sehwag's penchant for playing like a cow on steroids), but I'm learning to adapt. Bowlers are being given very little incentive to bowl faster and with better swing. Bouncers were reduced, fielders have been brought in, and the concept of free-hits (for f***s sake). The least I would want my bowlers to do is reduce their own workload slightly. I wouldn't even consider putting them in the short positions (short cover, short mid-wicket, short mid-off etc), because you're exposed to (a) a lot of short sprinting, and (b) risky dives on the training pitches.
The slips, in my opinion, are the best for them. It requires, possibly, the least amount of work. And requires much less bending than the keeper position (in case anyone wanted that argument). In addition, bowlers with long arms are perfect for that agonisingly wide edge that fat-man Sehwag couldn't be bothered to try for (I couldn't give a monkey's fiery posterior about his cuticle being damaged - catch the bloody ball!!).
Anyway, that was an idea that came to me today, and I've posted it out there now. I'm sure my minions in the BCCI are hard at work at rectifying this "oddity". I look forward to a strongly worded letter from N Srinivasan - and a lawsuit or two - to arrive any day now.

Rant 93: Brainstorming before the Big Bash

As most working individuals will agree, shift duties on a rolling rota basis are never an easy task, especially those that involve ungodly hours. In the last seven days, I have entered the office here at 6am on five occasions. It's perhaps not very healthy but I know which side my metaphorical bread is being buttered on so needs must and all that.
One of the ways to keep sane when the "weather outside is frightful" and sleep threatens, is have lots of coffee and watch early morning cricket. Obviously it was not very pleasant watching the drubbing meted out to India recently, but today it was the Big Bash league that caught my attention - for more reasons than merely staying awake.
It's cricket that makes you go, "what the fratch dude?", not for the usual T20 madness but for things like the Umpire cam, and those red lights on the bails that flicker every time they're touched. The latter reminds me of Ice Hockey for some reason, while the icing on the cake is perhaps the flying camera. I wonder if at the planning stage, the chief organiser gathered his minions in a dingy room inside Cricket Australia headquarters and went:-
Head Honcho: "Right boys, I'd like a list of all your favourite action movies, and the awesome gadgetry that went with them".

Minion1: "What about Liz Hurley?"

HH: "As a cheerleader?"

M1: "No, as an awesome piece of gadgetry that flickers every time you touch it."

HH: "I like your style, but I think Shane Warne's already got an exclusive patent for that."

M2: "How about a camera that flies? IPL's got a Spidercam, we'll call ours Supercam! hah! and let's have it dramatically tear its plastic cover off the front every time we switch it on."

HH: "Excellent, and I can take control of the camera no problem. I like to keep track of all aspects of our league. On a different issue, can we make it a law that all women must wear low-cut tops at the games, for...err...safety reasons?"

M3: "I think that happens anyway boss."

HH: "Oh good good. I really like keeping track of boobie...I mean safety. What else can we do to jazz up this league? I can't have that Srinivasan fellow guffawing at me every time we meet at the annual Cricket's Biggest League Leeches Awards dinner. If I have to hear "our parties are better than your parties" one more time I'm going to snap. Can I help it if all our players and spectators are already so drunk while playing that they lose the stamina to actually party when the need arises?"

M3: "What about little lights?"

HH: "This ain't Diwali mate. I'm all for cultural diversity but I don't think a candle's going to cut it. Have you seen the size of the MCG?"

M3: "Hear me out boss. You know how everyone has a problem figuring out whether the bails have been removed from the wicket?"

HH: "Err...don't they usually fall off quite easily? I've seen Virender Sehwag's huffs and puffs after walking a single that have forced them off."

M3: "Well yeah, but I was thinking more for run-outs and stuff. I was watching Mr India last night and was quite taken by the multi-coloured lights in Mogambo's lair attached to his various instruments of doom. I mean come on, he was about to blow up a city with a bomb, the least he could do is have a bit of variety in the buttons eh? So anyway, I was thinking, if we fix two red lights on the bails which are touch-sensitive, then we'd know the exact moment they've come off."

HH: "Excellent! Very Roger Moore James Bond-like as well. Oh man, little lights on bails, flying cameras, I don't know how we're going to top this."

M4: "A camera on the umpire's cap, boss?"

HH: "Ooooh! that's very futuristic. Tom Cruise can suck it. I mean this will completely take our ratings to a new level."

M4: "Shouldn't we spin it so that it looks like we're doing it to help TV umpires?"

HH: "Yes yes sure whatever! I'll make sure the media get a picture of me posing with a flag that has the words 'I stand for correct decisions' emblazoned across it. But think of the ratings. Everytime we switch to the umpire cam, it will look like an earthquake is taking place. People will rush to their friends and say 'OMG like there's an earthquake taking place mate! switch on the telly', only to find out it's just the umpire cam. Then they'll sheepishly laugh at themselves before watching the cricket. Hence: Ratings!"

M4: "Yess Bosss! 

Despite the mockery, I actually think that flickering-bails technology is a good idea, as is the umpire cam. But  it will need a generational change before the BCCI think of allowing it in their backyards.
till then, enjoy the cricket!

Rant 92: Counting losses

I thought I'd write an intriguing post about how Indian cricket lost its way following the events unfolding at the Eden Gardens, but F*** it, we've lost.
I'll go back to watching videos of our World Cup triumph to soothe myself.

ps: How the hell do you lose this many wickets in two sessions?

Rant 91: Pitching camp

Too often we hear the phrase “…hit the panic button…” as a reference to a cricket team suffering a major collapse of wickets after a prominent batsman’s exit. It’s an easy way for outsiders to sum up a failed innings with the bat.

Seldom would you hear it in the build-up to a Test.

However, India seem to have taken a comically large hammer to that panic button ever since messers Cook and Compton sauntered through the formalities of scoring 57 to win the second Test in Mumbai. The bewildered Wankhede public wondered how they would fill time on the fifth day that would never be. Analyse Monty Panesary’s one-dimensional but effective spin? Graeme Swann’s variations? The fact that Sachin Tendulkar seems a mere shadow of his old self? Well they may have done so in their own heads whilst enjoying a nice walk down Juhu beach.

The BCCI, however, chose to focus on the issue of pitches. The euphoria of the Ahmedabad victory being a spin-led affair made choosing a rank turner at the Wankhede a no-brainer. MS Dhoni even “asked” for it, thinking it would lead to an even quicker victory than the one at Motera. How viciously that backfired.

In the build-up to the third Test at the iconic Eden Gardens in Kolkata, the board have been in a tizzy, causing a saga that has all the hallmarks of Bollywood drama.

A BCCI representative was sent over to “assist” in pitch preparations, alongside groundsman-in-chief Prabir Mukherjee, a grizzled, 83-year-old veteran, who last year had a verbal spat with Dhoni. The Indian captain criticised the Eden pitch, despite a 95-run ODI win over England, as an “ugly wicket” to which Mukherjee responded, “pitches don’t score runs, batsmen do”.

Dhoni’s fresh calls for a turning surface caused more consternation with Mukherjee, who bemoaned: “This is immoral because you (organisers) are selling tickets for a five-day Test. On a square turner, there's every chance of a match ending in three days. Why rob people of two days' play?” The groundsman then refused to come to work, reportedly for health reasons, but has since been persuaded by the board to continue supervising preparations.

Utpal Dutt, moustachioed like the pitch
curator he should have been!

I can well imagine Shahrukh Khan playing the role of MS Dhoni, trying to keep his charisma going whilst an enraged Amrish Puri (aka any BCCI chief honcho) tries to seek revenge by sending his right-hand-man Teja to manipulate things at the ground level. All along, curator Utpal Dutt has been gagged and bound to a chair, but who anyway refuses to work with that “upstart” Teja.

Within all this, the real reason for India’s capitulation was never sought by the board. Was the furore over pitches deliberately caused to avoid talking about India’s faults with bat and ball? Could well be, considering the secrecy around match pitches and conditions of the practice pitches. Or is it a case of looking short term, i.e. win the series here to gain revenge for last year’s drubbing?

Whichever way you look at it, the BCCI seem to have their heads in the sand. As if the mere presence of turning wickets would have been enough to secure a series win. It is, unfortunately, the same argument we have for including failing players, who may have been stalwarts in their time. I will not include names for betraying the fan part of my sporting soul.

But is it too much to ask our players to try and take the pitch out of the equation? To repeat from last year, teams that are truly great learn to adapt in foreign climes. We failed spectacularly in this respect last year, while England have learnt admirably from their mistakes.

If this were war, the full-blown clamour for favourable pitches (and nothing else) would take us back to the trenches of World War One. Dig one and you can be relatively protected from the enemy’s bullets, maybe even win a skirmish or two. However, as we saw in Mumbai, the enemy has advanced its technique. It has taken stock of the type of soil that lies beyond the trench and clambered out – it took risks and won rewards. In the next five days, it will take stronger steps towards our trench.

We seem to have stopped questioning our own ammunition and unfortunately, once the bayonets are mere inches from the heart, the ground below will matter so little.

Rant 90: Turn the page

I was struggling to find a way to incorporate all the stories I've had so far since I came to the UK last year in September... I suppose you will have to make do with this for now
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To Live is to Die

i am inured to death...

Everyday I wake up thinking "there is at least one person on this Earth who has already died today or will die today...at least one..." it is a thought that's not very comforting, how we take death so matter of factly when it appears in newsprint or on TV, how we are so inured to it that we just expect that the next time we wake up, a thousand people, who are loved by a thousand others, will be gone forever...

But then again, what is death? Do we really know? Nobody has ever come back and said "oh yeah, it's a sad place!" OR "oh yeah, it's the best existence ever". 

So basically, it is the ultimate unknown..forget the depths of the ocean or the vastness of space..death is the one question nobody can answer...i think that if somebody can answer the question of death, then he/she can answer the question to life as well

...no one knows if you feel happiness or sadness at the end of it. No one knows if you feel pain or are painless. No one knows if there is an "other side". I use the word "knows" in the pure scientific sense where "knowing something" involves absolute proof...

i am inured to death...

and it started one fine morning in the city of Jamshedpur, Jharkhand (formerly Bihar), India, where my father was taking me and my brother to the local recreation club (United Club) for a swimming session. We were on a yellowish-greenish Lambretta scooter, license plate starting DBI....the three of us, and were just about to enter the main road in Kadma outside our house when a crowd of people on the road caught our attention.

what's going on? why are there so many people? why is there a truck standing in the middle of the road with a crowd of people around it? why is there a delay to me leaving the house at the age of who-knows-what, to me enjoying an enjoyable swim?

the answers came as we moved closer...i managed to poke my head through the crowd and caught a glimpse. a man lying on the road with his right cheek almost drowned in a pool of blood and his head was literally opened up. a large section of his brain was on the road. a motorbike lay right next to him...

i wish i could draw, i wish i had spent more time in the art school that was situated about 200 metres from this death scene. i wish i could draw this death scene for you, but i can't. i have it in my memory...the way the pink brain matter was flowing out from his head, the way everybody in the crowd was just standing shocked...the way his eyes and mouth were open, while the brain matter and blood inched its way towards full view from behind his head on the road.

Apparently a baby gains 80% of his knowledge from his/her mother...maybe the remaining 20% is what his/her eyes can show in the first few years of life

...i was told later that the man lying dead was a policeman who had been chasing somebody on his enfield motorcycle and had collided with a truck...whether this is true or not i don't know but it has stayed with me since...

maybe this is why I'm inured to death.

i spent all of the next day poring through newspapers, looking for something, anything on this incident.. even a small column...we had a cousin living with us at the time, Lipsa, and i distinctly remember her saying something along the lines of "oh it probably wasn't that big an incident, otherwise it would have made the news".  the newspaper was sort of a 50% orange colour..like an economic times kind of colour

I did not find him. i looked really hard, promise. i really wanted to...this man who was probably doing his duty, who lived by it and literally died by it, who had the potential to change human nature itself with the simple action of catching a law-breaker...he deserved a mention...people needed to know...but nothing  that i found suggested he was given a mention...

does it mean no one cared? no it doesn't. a mother, a father..perhaps brothers and sisters, perhaps friends...the shock when somebody you know and love dies. is that unbearable? 

BUT does my policeman friend care? you don't know do you? you don't know if he's feeling really pissed off about his death. should he feel pissed off? maybe it's all over, or maybe he's sitting in a cloud playing a harp...if somebody ends their life, people might say "oh that's a bad thing because he's left all of us so sad, and he's so selfish yada yada yada"

nobody ever stops to think that maybe the guy who's dead can no longer care...

five people crying...five thousand crying? doesn't make any difference to that person...he's gone...

today i read that a plane crash in Nepal had killed some people, while a woman in Ireland had allowed her son to be taken away by people to be shot in the legs for being a drug user. at the other end, it was breaking news that some person was seen in public wearing a bikini a few months after her fake implanted boobs had exploded...

sometimes i feel like the world wasn't good enough for my policeman friend...

Both Death and News have come a long way