Rant 93: Brainstorming before the Big Bash

As most working individuals will agree, shift duties on a rolling rota basis are never an easy task, especially those that involve ungodly hours. In the last seven days, I have entered the office here at 6am on five occasions. It's perhaps not very healthy but I know which side my metaphorical bread is being buttered on so needs must and all that.
One of the ways to keep sane when the "weather outside is frightful" and sleep threatens, is have lots of coffee and watch early morning cricket. Obviously it was not very pleasant watching the drubbing meted out to India recently, but today it was the Big Bash league that caught my attention - for more reasons than merely staying awake.
It's cricket that makes you go, "what the fratch dude?", not for the usual T20 madness but for things like the Umpire cam, and those red lights on the bails that flicker every time they're touched. The latter reminds me of Ice Hockey for some reason, while the icing on the cake is perhaps the flying camera. I wonder if at the planning stage, the chief organiser gathered his minions in a dingy room inside Cricket Australia headquarters and went:-
Head Honcho: "Right boys, I'd like a list of all your favourite action movies, and the awesome gadgetry that went with them".

Minion1: "What about Liz Hurley?"

HH: "As a cheerleader?"

M1: "No, as an awesome piece of gadgetry that flickers every time you touch it."

HH: "I like your style, but I think Shane Warne's already got an exclusive patent for that."

M2: "How about a camera that flies? IPL's got a Spidercam, we'll call ours Supercam! hah! and let's have it dramatically tear its plastic cover off the front every time we switch it on."

HH: "Excellent, and I can take control of the camera no problem. I like to keep track of all aspects of our league. On a different issue, can we make it a law that all women must wear low-cut tops at the games, for...err...safety reasons?"

M3: "I think that happens anyway boss."

HH: "Oh good good. I really like keeping track of boobie...I mean safety. What else can we do to jazz up this league? I can't have that Srinivasan fellow guffawing at me every time we meet at the annual Cricket's Biggest League Leeches Awards dinner. If I have to hear "our parties are better than your parties" one more time I'm going to snap. Can I help it if all our players and spectators are already so drunk while playing that they lose the stamina to actually party when the need arises?"

M3: "What about little lights?"

HH: "This ain't Diwali mate. I'm all for cultural diversity but I don't think a candle's going to cut it. Have you seen the size of the MCG?"

M3: "Hear me out boss. You know how everyone has a problem figuring out whether the bails have been removed from the wicket?"

HH: "Err...don't they usually fall off quite easily? I've seen Virender Sehwag's huffs and puffs after walking a single that have forced them off."

M3: "Well yeah, but I was thinking more for run-outs and stuff. I was watching Mr India last night and was quite taken by the multi-coloured lights in Mogambo's lair attached to his various instruments of doom. I mean come on, he was about to blow up a city with a bomb, the least he could do is have a bit of variety in the buttons eh? So anyway, I was thinking, if we fix two red lights on the bails which are touch-sensitive, then we'd know the exact moment they've come off."

HH: "Excellent! Very Roger Moore James Bond-like as well. Oh man, little lights on bails, flying cameras, I don't know how we're going to top this."

M4: "A camera on the umpire's cap, boss?"

HH: "Ooooh! that's very futuristic. Tom Cruise can suck it. I mean this will completely take our ratings to a new level."

M4: "Shouldn't we spin it so that it looks like we're doing it to help TV umpires?"

HH: "Yes yes sure whatever! I'll make sure the media get a picture of me posing with a flag that has the words 'I stand for correct decisions' emblazoned across it. But think of the ratings. Everytime we switch to the umpire cam, it will look like an earthquake is taking place. People will rush to their friends and say 'OMG like there's an earthquake taking place mate! switch on the telly', only to find out it's just the umpire cam. Then they'll sheepishly laugh at themselves before watching the cricket. Hence: Ratings!"

M4: "Yess Bosss! 

Despite the mockery, I actually think that flickering-bails technology is a good idea, as is the umpire cam. But  it will need a generational change before the BCCI think of allowing it in their backyards.
till then, enjoy the cricket!

Rant 92: Counting losses

I thought I'd write an intriguing post about how Indian cricket lost its way following the events unfolding at the Eden Gardens, but F*** it, we've lost.
I'll go back to watching videos of our World Cup triumph to soothe myself.

ps: How the hell do you lose this many wickets in two sessions?

Rant 91: Pitching camp

Too often we hear the phrase “…hit the panic button…” as a reference to a cricket team suffering a major collapse of wickets after a prominent batsman’s exit. It’s an easy way for outsiders to sum up a failed innings with the bat.

Seldom would you hear it in the build-up to a Test.

However, India seem to have taken a comically large hammer to that panic button ever since messers Cook and Compton sauntered through the formalities of scoring 57 to win the second Test in Mumbai. The bewildered Wankhede public wondered how they would fill time on the fifth day that would never be. Analyse Monty Panesary’s one-dimensional but effective spin? Graeme Swann’s variations? The fact that Sachin Tendulkar seems a mere shadow of his old self? Well they may have done so in their own heads whilst enjoying a nice walk down Juhu beach.

The BCCI, however, chose to focus on the issue of pitches. The euphoria of the Ahmedabad victory being a spin-led affair made choosing a rank turner at the Wankhede a no-brainer. MS Dhoni even “asked” for it, thinking it would lead to an even quicker victory than the one at Motera. How viciously that backfired.

In the build-up to the third Test at the iconic Eden Gardens in Kolkata, the board have been in a tizzy, causing a saga that has all the hallmarks of Bollywood drama.

A BCCI representative was sent over to “assist” in pitch preparations, alongside groundsman-in-chief Prabir Mukherjee, a grizzled, 83-year-old veteran, who last year had a verbal spat with Dhoni. The Indian captain criticised the Eden pitch, despite a 95-run ODI win over England, as an “ugly wicket” to which Mukherjee responded, “pitches don’t score runs, batsmen do”.

Dhoni’s fresh calls for a turning surface caused more consternation with Mukherjee, who bemoaned: “This is immoral because you (organisers) are selling tickets for a five-day Test. On a square turner, there's every chance of a match ending in three days. Why rob people of two days' play?” The groundsman then refused to come to work, reportedly for health reasons, but has since been persuaded by the board to continue supervising preparations.

Utpal Dutt, moustachioed like the pitch
curator he should have been!

I can well imagine Shahrukh Khan playing the role of MS Dhoni, trying to keep his charisma going whilst an enraged Amrish Puri (aka any BCCI chief honcho) tries to seek revenge by sending his right-hand-man Teja to manipulate things at the ground level. All along, curator Utpal Dutt has been gagged and bound to a chair, but who anyway refuses to work with that “upstart” Teja.

Within all this, the real reason for India’s capitulation was never sought by the board. Was the furore over pitches deliberately caused to avoid talking about India’s faults with bat and ball? Could well be, considering the secrecy around match pitches and conditions of the practice pitches. Or is it a case of looking short term, i.e. win the series here to gain revenge for last year’s drubbing?

Whichever way you look at it, the BCCI seem to have their heads in the sand. As if the mere presence of turning wickets would have been enough to secure a series win. It is, unfortunately, the same argument we have for including failing players, who may have been stalwarts in their time. I will not include names for betraying the fan part of my sporting soul.

But is it too much to ask our players to try and take the pitch out of the equation? To repeat from last year, teams that are truly great learn to adapt in foreign climes. We failed spectacularly in this respect last year, while England have learnt admirably from their mistakes.

If this were war, the full-blown clamour for favourable pitches (and nothing else) would take us back to the trenches of World War One. Dig one and you can be relatively protected from the enemy’s bullets, maybe even win a skirmish or two. However, as we saw in Mumbai, the enemy has advanced its technique. It has taken stock of the type of soil that lies beyond the trench and clambered out – it took risks and won rewards. In the next five days, it will take stronger steps towards our trench.

We seem to have stopped questioning our own ammunition and unfortunately, once the bayonets are mere inches from the heart, the ground below will matter so little.