Rant 94: A radical slip of the tongue

Brett Lee once discovered to
his annoyance how bloody
dangerous fielding on the
ropes is

Ever watched a cricket match, and wondered which was the most important fielding position? I would wager the majority probably doesn't, myself included. After all, there is no guarantee of where the ball will be hit. Well, unless you're Chris Gayle, in which case the best position is probably with the chana wala outside the stadium.
But I'm talking about a position that is used only in certain periods of the match. Not always like a wicketkeeper, not always like point, perhaps, or even not as frequently as fine-leg. I'm talking about the slips.
There's no doubt that the three slip positions (and possibly the gully) are the most used only in the first 10 or 15 overs, when the ball is at its most menacing and the fast bowlers are trying to get movement. An edge to slip is arguably the most common method of dismissal in the first five overs of any game (no opener worth his salt will try a heave in the first five and risk being caught out by early bounce). And leg slip provides valuable deterrent when the spin-led middle overs come by.
Now, I've always wondered about the fielding positions that fast bowlers are used in. If it sounds like I've taken off somewhere else, bear with me. The most common position fast bowlers are put in is on the boundary. Seems logical, perhaps. They have good arms from years of turning it over; good pace from years of watching Shoaib Akhtar; and a good eye from years of trying to hit the correct spot on a pitch. Plus I've heard it said that it's a lazy job, that you're standing around doing nothing for a lot of the time - unless you count drinking Gatorade as a form of exercise.
But I've always been struck by how easily it can go wrong for a fielder at, say, deep square-leg, or maybe deep cover, or even third-man in those nervy middle overs. Putting in the yards to stop a boundary has inevitably led to some body part taking an unnatural position in the climax and there's an injury. Plus add in the fact that the swift release and pacy throws from the deep are, no doubt, hell on the arm. And in the death overs, do you really expect batsmen to not be going for boundary shots?
So my argument is, why not stick them in the slips? Why is it necessary for a player, whose main job on a cricket field is basically to run really fast and turn his arm over six times in a few minutes, to then have even more running and arm slinging to do?
It does sound very radical, I agree, and not traditional at all. I'm a fan of the traditional (given my hatred of Virender Sehwag's penchant for playing like a cow on steroids), but I'm learning to adapt. Bowlers are being given very little incentive to bowl faster and with better swing. Bouncers were reduced, fielders have been brought in, and the concept of free-hits (for f***s sake). The least I would want my bowlers to do is reduce their own workload slightly. I wouldn't even consider putting them in the short positions (short cover, short mid-wicket, short mid-off etc), because you're exposed to (a) a lot of short sprinting, and (b) risky dives on the training pitches.
The slips, in my opinion, are the best for them. It requires, possibly, the least amount of work. And requires much less bending than the keeper position (in case anyone wanted that argument). In addition, bowlers with long arms are perfect for that agonisingly wide edge that fat-man Sehwag couldn't be bothered to try for (I couldn't give a monkey's fiery posterior about his cuticle being damaged - catch the bloody ball!!).
Anyway, that was an idea that came to me today, and I've posted it out there now. I'm sure my minions in the BCCI are hard at work at rectifying this "oddity". I look forward to a strongly worded letter from N Srinivasan - and a lawsuit or two - to arrive any day now.

Rant 93: Brainstorming before the Big Bash

As most working individuals will agree, shift duties on a rolling rota basis are never an easy task, especially those that involve ungodly hours. In the last seven days, I have entered the office here at 6am on five occasions. It's perhaps not very healthy but I know which side my metaphorical bread is being buttered on so needs must and all that.
One of the ways to keep sane when the "weather outside is frightful" and sleep threatens, is have lots of coffee and watch early morning cricket. Obviously it was not very pleasant watching the drubbing meted out to India recently, but today it was the Big Bash league that caught my attention - for more reasons than merely staying awake.
It's cricket that makes you go, "what the fratch dude?", not for the usual T20 madness but for things like the Umpire cam, and those red lights on the bails that flicker every time they're touched. The latter reminds me of Ice Hockey for some reason, while the icing on the cake is perhaps the flying camera. I wonder if at the planning stage, the chief organiser gathered his minions in a dingy room inside Cricket Australia headquarters and went:-
Head Honcho: "Right boys, I'd like a list of all your favourite action movies, and the awesome gadgetry that went with them".

Minion1: "What about Liz Hurley?"

HH: "As a cheerleader?"

M1: "No, as an awesome piece of gadgetry that flickers every time you touch it."

HH: "I like your style, but I think Shane Warne's already got an exclusive patent for that."

M2: "How about a camera that flies? IPL's got a Spidercam, we'll call ours Supercam! hah! and let's have it dramatically tear its plastic cover off the front every time we switch it on."

HH: "Excellent, and I can take control of the camera no problem. I like to keep track of all aspects of our league. On a different issue, can we make it a law that all women must wear low-cut tops at the games, for...err...safety reasons?"

M3: "I think that happens anyway boss."

HH: "Oh good good. I really like keeping track of boobie...I mean safety. What else can we do to jazz up this league? I can't have that Srinivasan fellow guffawing at me every time we meet at the annual Cricket's Biggest League Leeches Awards dinner. If I have to hear "our parties are better than your parties" one more time I'm going to snap. Can I help it if all our players and spectators are already so drunk while playing that they lose the stamina to actually party when the need arises?"

M3: "What about little lights?"

HH: "This ain't Diwali mate. I'm all for cultural diversity but I don't think a candle's going to cut it. Have you seen the size of the MCG?"

M3: "Hear me out boss. You know how everyone has a problem figuring out whether the bails have been removed from the wicket?"

HH: "Err...don't they usually fall off quite easily? I've seen Virender Sehwag's huffs and puffs after walking a single that have forced them off."

M3: "Well yeah, but I was thinking more for run-outs and stuff. I was watching Mr India last night and was quite taken by the multi-coloured lights in Mogambo's lair attached to his various instruments of doom. I mean come on, he was about to blow up a city with a bomb, the least he could do is have a bit of variety in the buttons eh? So anyway, I was thinking, if we fix two red lights on the bails which are touch-sensitive, then we'd know the exact moment they've come off."

HH: "Excellent! Very Roger Moore James Bond-like as well. Oh man, little lights on bails, flying cameras, I don't know how we're going to top this."

M4: "A camera on the umpire's cap, boss?"

HH: "Ooooh! that's very futuristic. Tom Cruise can suck it. I mean this will completely take our ratings to a new level."

M4: "Shouldn't we spin it so that it looks like we're doing it to help TV umpires?"

HH: "Yes yes sure whatever! I'll make sure the media get a picture of me posing with a flag that has the words 'I stand for correct decisions' emblazoned across it. But think of the ratings. Everytime we switch to the umpire cam, it will look like an earthquake is taking place. People will rush to their friends and say 'OMG like there's an earthquake taking place mate! switch on the telly', only to find out it's just the umpire cam. Then they'll sheepishly laugh at themselves before watching the cricket. Hence: Ratings!"

M4: "Yess Bosss! 

Despite the mockery, I actually think that flickering-bails technology is a good idea, as is the umpire cam. But  it will need a generational change before the BCCI think of allowing it in their backyards.
till then, enjoy the cricket!

Rant 91: Pitching camp

Too often we hear the phrase “…hit the panic button…” as a reference to a cricket team suffering a major collapse of wickets after a prominent batsman’s exit. It’s an easy way for outsiders to sum up a failed innings with the bat.

Seldom would you hear it in the build-up to a Test.

However, India seem to have taken a comically large hammer to that panic button ever since messers Cook and Compton sauntered through the formalities of scoring 57 to win the second Test in Mumbai. The bewildered Wankhede public wondered how they would fill time on the fifth day that would never be. Analyse Monty Panesary’s one-dimensional but effective spin? Graeme Swann’s variations? The fact that Sachin Tendulkar seems a mere shadow of his old self? Well they may have done so in their own heads whilst enjoying a nice walk down Juhu beach.

The BCCI, however, chose to focus on the issue of pitches. The euphoria of the Ahmedabad victory being a spin-led affair made choosing a rank turner at the Wankhede a no-brainer. MS Dhoni even “asked” for it, thinking it would lead to an even quicker victory than the one at Motera. How viciously that backfired.

In the build-up to the third Test at the iconic Eden Gardens in Kolkata, the board have been in a tizzy, causing a saga that has all the hallmarks of Bollywood drama.

A BCCI representative was sent over to “assist” in pitch preparations, alongside groundsman-in-chief Prabir Mukherjee, a grizzled, 83-year-old veteran, who last year had a verbal spat with Dhoni. The Indian captain criticised the Eden pitch, despite a 95-run ODI win over England, as an “ugly wicket” to which Mukherjee responded, “pitches don’t score runs, batsmen do”.

Dhoni’s fresh calls for a turning surface caused more consternation with Mukherjee, who bemoaned: “This is immoral because you (organisers) are selling tickets for a five-day Test. On a square turner, there's every chance of a match ending in three days. Why rob people of two days' play?” The groundsman then refused to come to work, reportedly for health reasons, but has since been persuaded by the board to continue supervising preparations.

Utpal Dutt, moustachioed like the pitch
curator he should have been!

I can well imagine Shahrukh Khan playing the role of MS Dhoni, trying to keep his charisma going whilst an enraged Amrish Puri (aka any BCCI chief honcho) tries to seek revenge by sending his right-hand-man Teja to manipulate things at the ground level. All along, curator Utpal Dutt has been gagged and bound to a chair, but who anyway refuses to work with that “upstart” Teja.

Within all this, the real reason for India’s capitulation was never sought by the board. Was the furore over pitches deliberately caused to avoid talking about India’s faults with bat and ball? Could well be, considering the secrecy around match pitches and conditions of the practice pitches. Or is it a case of looking short term, i.e. win the series here to gain revenge for last year’s drubbing?

Whichever way you look at it, the BCCI seem to have their heads in the sand. As if the mere presence of turning wickets would have been enough to secure a series win. It is, unfortunately, the same argument we have for including failing players, who may have been stalwarts in their time. I will not include names for betraying the fan part of my sporting soul.

But is it too much to ask our players to try and take the pitch out of the equation? To repeat from last year, teams that are truly great learn to adapt in foreign climes. We failed spectacularly in this respect last year, while England have learnt admirably from their mistakes.

If this were war, the full-blown clamour for favourable pitches (and nothing else) would take us back to the trenches of World War One. Dig one and you can be relatively protected from the enemy’s bullets, maybe even win a skirmish or two. However, as we saw in Mumbai, the enemy has advanced its technique. It has taken stock of the type of soil that lies beyond the trench and clambered out – it took risks and won rewards. In the next five days, it will take stronger steps towards our trench.

We seem to have stopped questioning our own ammunition and unfortunately, once the bayonets are mere inches from the heart, the ground below will matter so little.

Rant 89: The most important sportsman

The lights shone bright on the green surface some hundred yards away from where I sat. On the surface, individuals from a certain sports team I favoured were battling it out for top honours against their rivals. The tension was immense and threatened to overshadow the excitement of watching the title clash unfolding in front of me. The crowd – which had packed the stands to breaking point - had been waiting for what seemed like ages. Some, like me, stood transfixed by the action, unable to move; others had closed their eyes in silent prayer; still others were singing their hearts out for that extra piece of inspiration to surge the team onward.

At last, just as all hope was lost, the winning moment arrived as my team’s captain pulled off a spectacular strike to send the packed house into delirium.

Replace team with either the Indian cricket team or Manchester United. The strange bit is perhaps the fact that there is not much by way of differences to compare. Perhaps this is because both sports occupy the primary position of following in their respective countries.

Sudhir Kumar Chaudhary (right)

Fans of either team, or even just of the sport itself, are a curious brand of patrons. It doesn’t matter whether you’re spending more than eight hours in 40-degree heat to watch India pull off a world cup win, or spending two hours in minus-four-degree cold to see United see off noisy neighbours Manchester City. The sheer amount of passion and dedication employed by both sets of fans is the same.

Chacha Cricket

For thousands, a match is more than just a result. Days, sometimes entire lives, are based around following their team. Take the case of Sudhir Kumar Chaudhary,  who was awared an honourary ticket for all of India’s home matches, or Pakistan fan Chaudhry Abdul Jalil lovingly known as chacha (uncle) insert picture or the Portsmouth fan, who legally had his name changed to John Anthony Portsmouth Football Club Westwood to show his dedication for the south coast side.

John Westwood

The fan following has a curious effect on the rest of the populace, at least in the case of India and Pakistan. The two nations may be at odds over several political issues, and border tensions may be high, but Chaudhary and Chacha are guaranteed recipients of match tickets and travel visas when the two sides meet in their respective backyards. As a result, entire nations can shake off political differences.

It just goes to show how sport can transcend borders, and as Wanderley Luxemburgo, Brazil football team’s coach in 1999 said: "A player who conjugates a verb in the first person singular cannot be part of the squad, he has to conjugate the verb in the first person plural. We. We want to conquer. We are going to conquer. Using the word I when you're in a group makes things complicated."

The true sports fan is the 12th man for any team, and will perhaps be the first to speak the aforementioned words.

Rant 88: I miss you

I am about to embark upon a new chapter in my life. It will take place in a foreign land. I will be taking on an educational challenge that will define my career, meeting new people, building on some acquaintances, and continuing a very special relationship. I cannot begin to describe how excited I am about this new chapter. (For brevity's sake, let's assume: I am excited).
However, I will leave behind some incredible memories and:-

1) The culmination of perhaps India's most revolutionary time since the Emergency. I do not have an opinion on the cause that "team Anna" and the government are at loggerheads over. However, the buzz about anti-corruption seems to have reached a frenzy and god help me, I might just miss that.

2) The first ever Formula One Indian Grand Prix. Like it for its thrill-a-minute excitement or hate it for the extreme waste of natural resources, the sport will gain a huge amount of attention once the five red lights go out at the Buddh International Circuit in Delhi. I will miss being a part of the action.

3) Metallica's first Indian concert. I fell to the peer pressure tactic of listening to heavy metal back in my high school days. And while I've discarded most of the bands that I thought I liked back then, Metallica remains a band that I still enjoy very much. I probably cannot tell my E flat note from my B-Major-extended-then-drop-it-down-two-notches-before-using-your-thumb-on-the-E-string chord, but the acquired listening taste towards ear-splitting music is well worth the intense neck pain from a night of drunken headbanging whilst rapidly air-guitaring. I will miss doing that on the national stage.

4) Sporting revenge. After all the back-slapping/public flogging about how England thoroughly beat the flying shit out of India was over, we realised that England probably had the upper hand thanks to home advantage. Well, among several other reasons I'm sure, but let's keep the home advantage tag for argument's sake. Well Sir! you'll find that India are top dogs in our own backyard as well! Come October and England visit India, so bloody hell, I'm going to thoroughly miss the sight of our Men in Blue exacting revenge.

Rant 87: Do you vomit Blue???

And so at last the bubble has burst. After months and months of self-aggrandisement, it has finally been proven that simply waving a flag, "having the best batting order", and the most "cunning captain in the world", cannot save a cricket team from being absolute s**t when the situation calls for it.
To all the media hacks and Ravi Shastri who claim that our batting, bowling, selection policy and Kris Srikkanth's slurred ramblings are the best, you are wrong!! Because as we all know, the hard-working Indian cricket fan is the world's greatest batsman (arrey front foot pey khelo saale bhadwe!!!), the world's greatest bowler (round the wicket pphekega toh swing karega dekhna!), and of course selector (abey woh west zone key against biased hai isliye nai choose kiya mujhe).
And so I decided to explore what the paying public had to say about the damning humiliation that has befallen our cricketers in Jolly Ol' England. The article itself does not matter too much. It could range from "Dhoni should employ more spinners" to "My grandmother with Alzheimer could have played that shot better".... I picked out the aptly titled: "Why Team India is in a state of free fall" .
The points made were astute I guess: reasons for the defeat, our under-preparedness, our selection policy, our batting, our bowling, our dinner break, and topped off with the poignant conclusion that "hah! Ganguly could have done a much better job. I told u so, but forget it, I'm off to have some misti doi"
And as predicted, a plethora of comments ensued. SK clearly had the measure of things in terms of coaches as he sounded a warning to the BCCI by claiming: "I hope this is the clear sign of lossing a GARY KRISTAN." Clearly, the players are not focused enough because we seem to have lost any memory of a coach called Gary "Kristan". Presumably Mr Kristan was the interim coach after Gary Kirsten resigned from his post.
VCjob took on the task of speaking for all the grumpy-old-men of India's middle-class, who never return the cricket ball when it lands in their front yard. We lost the match "because cricket is a freaking game of chance and Indians are wasting youngster's talent and time on this worthless game." Well said Sir! Mr Malhotra from house no. 42 will visit you soon and gift you some barfi as soon as his afternoon siesta is done and he has taken his meds for the day.
Charudatta Lamaye, in his infinite wisdom, outlined a 12-point programme for the resurrection of our fortunes, where the phrase knee-jerk reaction at last had a champion, and pearls such as "cannot judge Munaf as he did not play" wreaked havoc among the BCCI elite! This author would like to add that we also cannot judge Parthiv Patel, Ravindra Jadeja, Sunil Gavaskar, my neighbour, my neighbour's daughter and the alleyway rascal who keeps sending her rude letters, as all these characters did not play the match either.
A teary-eyed Anand Bhagwat recalled the old days, and keeping small matters like grammar and coherence completely out of the equation, bellowed: "India should play aggresively...If Ganguly is caption the were different, Indian team doesn't have face their...Its look like India is not playing there...we are Missing Sourav's agression." Quite why Ganguly would want to be the "caption" for the sorry picture of Indian cricket is unclear.
Jay, having flipped through the entire rulebook of cricket, promptly threw it out the window and concluded that cricket, after all, is a one-man game. And not just any man, but somebody who's literally broken his back for the love of the game. Yet, the immediate reaction demanded by Jay was: "Tendulkar should quit playing Test cricket as an apology to the nation." According to rumours, a visibly shocked Tendulkar later issued a press release where it was his precise intention to speak during Parliament's winter session, donate a million gallons of milk to his local temple, and whip himself dry while wearing a pink tutu and asking himself: "have I made it large??"
Ashish, fresh out of Harvard Business School and having watched his girlfriend deliver a sexy report on NDTV Profit, attempted to explain things a little more scientifically. And of course, being the financially astute gentleman he is, his analogy referred to the US and its ongoing problems. "its just one of the bad patches," he remarked. "just like the downward spiral of the Dow Index as SnP downgraded US from AAA to AA....its something similar. Kind of a jolt, nothing to be worried about. Team India still has the substance, just as US gives good returns despite being AA."
So there you go! Bums on Seats are what make our country the fine democrazy it is, and our cricket team the best damn actors to grace the Kingfisher 2011 Calendar.
There are several of us however, who worry about the real problems facing this country, and Tapan Kumar's comment at the very bottom of the page highlights concerns that I'm sure each and every one of us faces at some point in our lives.
"If appears that bengalis might have f..ked you under someones consent that's you are nervous about permanant erection."

Rant 70: MONO with a DASH of colour

Been doing some reading up on post-production techniques...effects etc. Not that I wasn't doing any before but those were mostly related to basic ones like Brightness/Contrast, Shadow/highlights..
But ever since I acquired the Adobe CS5 Master Collection (a total of 17 applications), the post-production bug has well and truly bitten me...
plus I've also started adding my watermark to my pics, so all you leechers can stuff it from here on...
So here's the first few of many experiments to come...
This one was taken way back in 2008, when I was still in college (Manipal) and working for our student-run news website The Manipal Journal.
I was on the outskirts of Mangalore with one of our reporters, covering a very sad incident. A bus full of children going to school had drowned in the river seen here, with just a few survivors. After a whole morning spent among them, I was quite depressed by the whole thing. As we walked across a bridge, en route to the bus stop, I spotted this boat and (who I assume was) its owner. Completely represented what I was going through at that point, mainly, sad, but looking out for some hope.
This second one, was taken in my native state of Orissa, in a city called Cuttack. The person on the top left is my cousin, who is now a full-fledged under-19 Ranji player for the state. And I was lucky to catch him during his morning practice. The cricket ball in the foreground was nearly brand new at the start of the session, and its current state clearly shows the rigours with which he practices. And in what seems like a rare case among the Indian middle class, his parents have allowed him to study a non-sciencey field in senior school, so that his time can be best devoted to the game.
Since that day, he has already played several professional games for the state and it just goes to show how much practice can make perfect.
Next up we have the famous Kuwait Towers. As you can read from its history, this landmark of Kuwait was ravaged by forces during the invasion period 1990-1992. It has since been restored to its former glory and is now considered the pride of the nation. Not to sound like a tour guide, but it is definitely a wonderful visit to this place, and completely worth going up to the bottom dome seen in the picture. It contains a rotating platform, which gives you amazing views of the entire city. A must-see if you're ever down in this country.
Coming back to mera bharat mahan, the next one came in New Delhi, specifically in the forest area adjacent to the Qutab Minar.
I had been clicking away - trees etc - and in this huge natural expanse, it was easy to feel a little alone, especially as 99% of traffic noise is blocked out, and all you can hear are birds, crickets, an occasional peacock (they're really hard to photograph!). So when I was a bit overwhelmed by the nature-ness of it all, I sat down on a piece of concrete for a breather. Lo and behold, one of the first things I see is this dude walking away and, of course, once again captured what I was feeling, a huge sense of solitude...well almost I suppose (two is company isn't it?).
And finally, we take the holy route. This gargantuan statue of Hindu deity Shiva is located in Murudeswar (for an earlier post on this place, click here). And for the uninitiated ones, this deity's favourite animal is the snake. I'll try not to wet myself here, but snakes, for me, are QUITE scary. I try and conquer my fears, though, by watching discovery channel type shows about these creatures, and have been fortunate not to be confronted by live, uncaged one yet (not that dead ones are any prettier). Anyway, this one on the left was obviously quite daunting for me to see, but became another way to fight fear I think. The deity himself is largely characterised as the destroyer, and he too brings up childhood memories of bearded sadhus on TV who - in loud booming voices - proclaimed how Shiva could destroy the whole universe with his dancing.

And as a bonus for going through this whole post, I give you my thanks and a shot of a typical action performed by most tourists (Indian ones anyway), vandalism. This one's taken at Ullalla beach just a few kms outside of Mangalore.
It put me in a cheerier mood writing this post (after all that snake talk), and I hope it gives you a few laughs as well.
Cheers!

Rant 68: The post that wishes for ‘un-plugged’ cricket commentary

Note: Characters and events are inspired by the recent international test and one-day matches featuring India and Sri Lanka. Any resemblance to reality is purely intentional.
Noted commentator Mr. (insert name of Australian batting great): Welcome to the first test match between India and Sri Lanka in Dambulla. Good morning to our viewers across the world, and also to my co-commentator Mr. (insert name of Indian batting not-so-great-as-that-Australian-fella).
Comm2: Thank you Comm1, yes we are finally set for the match, the clouds look lovely, the pitch looks good, the cute chick in the stands looks do-able…whoops..er…and both captains look hungry for the win. Indeed, they look hungrier than I was yesterday when presented some of that lovely (name of random Sri Lankan local cuisine currently sold in the spectator stands, which the camera focuses on instead of the actual cricket). Incidentally, that dish was invented only last night by Mr. Guranamishanwardene who wanted to give his fishing company employees some proper incentive during those long hours that they spent looking for my marriage ring that was swept away to sea as I lay drunk on the beach after our long binge session.
Comm1 (clearly overwhelmed look on his face): Err..yes..that’s an interesting tale Comm2. I'm so glad you brought this up now. Meanwhile, the first five overs have been bowled with 30 runs scored. I wonder if Sehwag will score a century given his recent poor run of form….
Comm2: Oh yes, he certainly has the skills to do so. He just needs to work on his footwork a little bit, just like I need to work on my skills at pressing the keypad on the new micromaxx Q6 mobile with added features of Bluetooth, one-touch facebook, and a camera that can take dirty pictures of my wife on the can without a clicky sound. Incidentally, I used that camera yesterday when your lovely ‘escort’ came over towards….
Comm1: AHEM!!!!! Thank you for that lovely insight Comm1. Yes indeed, the new micromaxx Q6 mobile with added features of Bluetooth, one-touch facebook, and a camera that can take dirty pictures of my wife on the can, is a revolutionary piece of technology. It’s nothing like anything you know. Just last week I had a Blackberry on me, but the moment the micromaxx guys came to my house and showed me their new micromaxx Q6 mobile with added features of Bluetooth, one-touch facebook, and a camera that can take dirty pictures of my wife on the can, (not to mention showing me a suitcase with $50,000 for mentioning the product 100 times per innings) I was stumped…hehe see? I can do sports puns as well.
Comm2: Why yes you can! My congratulations to you and your lovely escort. I’m sure there were plenty of puns that you could have used to cover up those lovely noises emanating from your hotel room last night as you….oh gosh did you just see that delivery that bowled Sehwag? It was a wicked delivery from Lasith Malinga. Quite fast and pacey…as fast and pacey as the new Yamaha FZ that comes with alloy wheels, a comfortable seat and can go from zero to 60 in 9seconds, alongwith mirrors to see if any cops are chasing you or not (laughs uncontrollably at his first joke of the year). The bike comes in three pretty colours, green, orange and black. I personally prefer the black as it covers up my otherwise girly looks, giving my wife the macho man she thoroughly deserves (but rarely gets).
Comm1: Ah yes, the Yamaha FZ, that wonderful piece of machinery. I tried riding that yesterday and was quite good at it actually. Only broke my hip and my right lateral meniscus. Which is when I switched over to the Fiat Linea currently on your screens that will be given to the man of the series who could well be…err…ahhh….hmmm…oh well, I’m sure our viewers are paying more attention to the game than we are, so they can predict it anyways. Incidentally, our viewers can SMS their predictions and a lucky winner wins the new micromaxx Q6 mobile with added features of Bluetooth, one-touch facebook, and a camera that can take dirty pictures of my wife on the can. Incidentally, I get bonus pay-offs from Oxford Dictionary Inc. for plugging the word incidentally into my commentary.
As I was saying, I was driving the new Fiat Linea across the paddy fields of Colombo yesterday, and came across some lovely temples and farmers, who showed my how I could get my poppy crops to grow to considerable lengths. All in all, during those lovely drives through the picturesque hills of Sri Lanka, I figured out what the point of this whole series is…i.e. take a holiday in a beach, watch some boring cricket on dead pitches, and earn money advertising ridiculous gadgets.
Comm2: Well said Comm1. all you potential commentators out there. Watch and learn! Cos this is how it’s done.
Oh and there’s a run out and that’s the end of the Indian innings. But not the end of ours eh Comm1? Now how about some lovely (random Sri Lankan delicacy being sold on the stands)? I notice there are some fair females doing the selling. Let’s see if we can bowl some maiden-s over eh? (producer rolls his eyes for the tenth time)
Comm1: So to our viewers, it’s goodbye from us and the next part of the match will be taken care of by Mr. (insert random hack Indian batsman who only played two games but is still classed as ‘expert’ by random sports channel) and Miss. (insert random Indian female celebrity with zero cricketing knowledge but desperate for publicity).