Rant 62: My Office Part 5

If you’re the head of an organization and you like the fact that your minions are doing good, productive work and you enjoy that your own superiors look upon you as a reliable manager, then I guess you would be having constant worries about your office's productivity levels. Day and night, you may be tortured by this worry, so much so that you start hating those D-Cold Total ads that claim relief from five types of pain (which now cannot even rid you of the one in your head alone).
Well, even though I may not be the graduate of a top-notch B-School, I can still give all you current and prospective managers a simple, yet effective tool of optimizing the productivity of your workforce. It’s called, Chair-Sense.
Believe it or not, a number of pointless research studies have shown that the choice of chairs in the office can either boost or hinder productivity. Let’s face it, we all love to sit for hours on a comfortable, if slightly ominous, deadline and hey, if I’m going to hatch some proverbial eggs while the whole world zooms by me, I damn well would like to do it on a nice ergonomic, fart-compatible, well-bottomed-out chair.
So here’s a rough guide to office chair selection. Remember, variety is the key to productivity:-

1) The Night Rider: With new improved aerodynamics, this sleek looking model is sure to leave you in good spirits. After all, who doesn’t benefit from a good half-an-hour snooze?!? This chair has been put through countless wind tunnel (night-shift) testings. Our experts (night-shift employees) have spent hours in near-180 degree positions so as to maximize your potential to view the office TV in a comfortable and "productive" position. Ideal for those with cravings for heavy lunches.
please note: the company is not liable for any spinal injuries resulting from sudden breakages while in near-180 degree positions. The firm does, however, intend to take full credit for the laughs that such sudden incidents generate amongst your colleagues.

2) The Brood-o-Matic 2000 (street name, the Muse Throne): All you world-weary Nestors, this is the chair for you. Designed especially for the many "devoted" hours you spend pretending to ponder with left hand fixed firmly on arm rest (scratching your chin... Yes yes, we know, solitaire is a tough game). The side arm rests have been fixed with an extra springy base to provide maximum comfort during those long endurance levels of cleaning up your chicken’s shit in Farmville; and with motorcycle-grade shock absorbers for supreme agility during heated battles in Mafia Wars. Lock and Load!!!

3) The Trumpet: Once you have imbibed the suggestions from your newspaper’s horoscope section ("you are strong, energetic, outgoing and will definitely get some action today despite your pig-like odour and drool" etc) and have filled yourself up with enough Red Bull to rival Maverick's F-16, take a ride on a model we lovingly call Jerry the mouse. The pure symphony of squeaky noises from your constant "adjustments" will leave even Pavarotti spellbound. Let the whole world know how often you roll around inside your cubicle or shift your backside just that wee bit for a quick and noiseless…well …you-know-what. Let your boss figure out how much you miss your baby crib with some good old-fashioned rocking! Remember it’s all about the music.

It’s of course difficult to list all the models here but do take the time to research all your options before choosing the right mix of chairs. Remember that each employee has different tastes and thus is suited for one particular chair. If perchance he/she feels at ease with more than one type, then congratulations, you have found a go-getter; somebody who can fit in anywhere and in any situation. You may now promote him to your post and take a long awaited vacation into the world of retirement.

Rant 59: My Office part 4

Things I like about my office:-
1) The work…(love the ass covering don't you?)
2) Watching free tv and browsing free internet

3) a semi-sleeper push-back chair with roller wheels (ultra deluxe, for even bigger fans of Durgamba travels) ...which translates to: wheeeee!

4) The security lady trying her level best to run the metal detector around all who enter/leave…but thanks to my daily intake of Kellogs all nutritious corflakes (kidding of course), I am one step ahead…most of the time at least.

5) catching snoozes within the three walls of my work-station in weird angles so that the security cameras don’t catch me…

6) Upma with coconut chutney for breakfast in the office canteen.


Things I don’t really like but have to deal with anyways:-
1) ass kissers

2) frigggin’ cold-ass air conditioning

3) insane amount of wiring below the work stations, which basically means I cant stretch my legs out in all directions

4) office gossip. I’ve pretty much grown out of my high-school phase of hating people who talk behind my back. It made college a whole lot more bearable. This monster, in a different guise, is slowly rearing its ugly head!! Am trying my best to keep my own head straight.

Rant 46: My Office Episode 3

There is a reason why I took my time with this Episode. I was giving myself an extra few days, just in case my opinions got changed by some miracle. Sadly they haven’t.
Oh wait! You don’t know what I’m talking about. Ok let’s get up to speed on this one.
Ever since I arrived (yes Vinod, I can hear the snickering) in the state of Karnataka around three and a half years ago, I have thought a lot about languages, specifically, local languages in this region and those that I can’t understand. It’s alright to watch a Kannada movie and figure out the general storyline through overly stereotypical character constructions, actions and dialogue delivery styles. However, it’s quite another to be in a public place, say a bus or a restaurant and to understand what is going on. I honestly feel completely out of place at times, especially after moving to Mangalore. During college at Manipal, the language barrier was a little less pronounced wherein it was only the odd autorickshaw driver or shopkeeper who’d turn out to be a mono-linguist (it’s an international college campus for f***’s sake. I mean come on!!!). Most of the local populace there could communicate quite manageably in Hindi and a good number could even speak English. I guess that sort of put me in the language bubble where I assumed that a similar situation existed in Mangalore.
NOT!!!
The language barrier here is the Berlin Wall of all such dividers. People here naturally assume you know the local language. I can understand that to a certain extent. But dude, even after I’ve told you "No kannada boss", you still rattle on in the same manner. I mean that’s either plain stupidity or plain linguism (couldn’t find a better word for language racism…lol!). In very few places (not counting malls of course) have I seen people communicating in Hindi or even English. Ok, I can hear some of you saying, "Learn the friggin’ language dude!" But seriously, there is a minor sense of animosity I get whenever I speak to say auto drivers in Hindi. It’s sort of like, "Oh you’re from outside. Okay, I’ll take you but I won’t be happy about it!" Now, normally I wouldn’t care if they were happy about it or not, as long as I’m not overcharged. However, I feel that it is this attitude of "you’re an outsider" that is the cause of so much strife and rioting in this region. "You’re an outsider", can so easily be interchanged with "You’re different from us" (Yes you pussy communal-riot-flamers, I am looking right at you!!).
And it’s not just with people working in the public sphere. In fact, the language barrier is a kind of front for what I feel is the general attitude of people here. My own landlord gave me a stern message the first time I spoke with him. "We don’t like outsiders!" I kid you not. These were the exact words. I guessed he meant people from outside Karnataka. At that time, in a room with 6 people where I was the only "outsider", I have to say, I felt a slight shiver down my spine.
Apparently, they don’t like leasing rooms or houses out to Non-Karnataka people. My landlord’s logic went something along the lines of "If you come, then more people will want to come, then our community will become bad."
How can you not feel like smashing something up at that point?
Further, doesn’t this seem similar to what is reported about Mumbai/Maharashtra? Where exactly is the society here heading towards I ask you?
Well, until next episode, to all my local friends: Kannada Gotthilla!

Rant 45: Cartoon break

Whenever I'm a little bored in the office, I go on a Cartoon break...
just hunt around the net for time-transcending strips like Garfield, Calvin and Hobbes etc. And sometimes trawling for newer, more intelligent sounding ones.
XKCD (google it, I'm too lazy to link it for you)
plus this strip I found very recently on this site (is it funny today? no I'm not asking you, that's the name)
Looks like a modern day version of Calvin and Hobbes, except that both characters are animals and the "Hobbes"-esque character (a guy called Utahraptor) tends to speak more than his Bill Watterson counterpart. Also, the drawings are the same for every single strip, which is interesting because the character expressions pretty much make sense (or are laughable) for every dialogue in every different strip

thats all I have to say...
I have to get back to work now!

Rant 43: My Office, Episode 1

My office has changed me quite a bit as a person.
About a month back, I was pulled up by my managers here for posting three articles on this blog, based on the workings of my department. I have since taken down those ‘effing posts. Okay, so I can’t write about that stuff but I guess writing about the office in general should not be an issue (I hope!).
So here goes.
For the first time in my life, I am feeling what most office-goers can perhaps relate to, i.e. STRESS. My three-walled workstation, with a computer to stare at for 8-9 hours a day (on Fridays it’s 12) takes its toll on me every time. At the end of the day’s shift I can literally feel the heaviness in my eyes. I cannot remember the last time I felt this sort of daily grind. Don’t get me wrong. The work itself is quite interesting and keeps you on your toes but of course I can’t talk about it here (which probably increases your curiosity right? Don’t worry, I’m not building any nukes here, neither am I being called double-o-seven…sigh!). I guess all I can reveal to you is that it’s an editing and design based job. It has its impacts as well and not only on the reports that I sub. Even on this blog, I have gone from a raving ranting writer who didn’t care about grammar, punctuation and the like, to a raving ranting writer who’s been subbing this particular post as its being written.
I guess the stress and grind parts are inevitable in any person’s life. Most of you reading this have probably already faced all that through high school and perhaps even college. Sadly (?), I was more of the I-DON’T-GIVE-A-RAT’S-POSTERIOR-FOR-EDUCATION types, which meant that high-school was a breeze. I was content with average marks and didn’t value the rat race too much. And college, well, I don’t suppose ANY sane person is expected to feel stress in this period of life. Not with Pink Floyd, pretty chicks and healthy doses of inebriation around at least!
Our office computers have access to the internet of course. However, we have been strictly warned to refrain from visiting social networking websites, accessing our emails, basically visiting any website that’s not directly related to our work. And in the true spirit of "Indian heterodoxy" (my thanks to Amartya Sen), people manage to sneak in visits every now and then. The few unlucky ones, such as myself, were assigned workstations with computers facing the manager’s desk (or at least are within-sight), which means my "illegal" visits have to be conducted during **********.
(no errors or cursing here, just keeping my ass covered)
Thankfully, the office has a few television sets to keep us entertained (though they are understandably kept on Mute). It helps a lot, believe me. Even if you are the Grandmaster of Secret-Orkutting-Facebooking-Gmailing, you cannot help but take the occasional five minutes off your work to watch the Ashes, football or some random movie. And a big thank you to the major movie channels for introducing subtitles in their screenings!
Coming back to the office-changing-me part. Until I took up this job, I could never have imagined myself settling into a 9 to 5 type day. However, two months in, I have pretty much synched myself with the daily routine. To top it off, my job isn’t a 9 to 5 affair. On most days, i.e. days that I’m lucky, I manage to leave by 8 pm. On a Friday, for reasons that I am unable to divulge, I reach home by 10-10:30 pm. The bad part about Mangalore city is that the public transport system (ok that’s too much credit; the BUS service) shuts down after 9 pm. Still, I’m getting used to these late hours and minor discrepancies as well. All part of the real world experience I guess.

Rant 27: Hard at work

The grind i feel is best represented by

(Apologies for the low quality, but i had to scale it down from 10 mb to something that would upload quickly)

Rant 25: All smiles eh?

Our ICIS Team on the last day of a client visit by Lewis Harper
(back row R2L) Lewis Harper, Vikas Pandey, Gareth Murray, Me
(front row R2L) Shruthi, Namitha, Lekshmi, Aneesha