Rant 68: The post that wishes for ‘un-plugged’ cricket commentary

Note: Characters and events are inspired by the recent international test and one-day matches featuring India and Sri Lanka. Any resemblance to reality is purely intentional.
Noted commentator Mr. (insert name of Australian batting great): Welcome to the first test match between India and Sri Lanka in Dambulla. Good morning to our viewers across the world, and also to my co-commentator Mr. (insert name of Indian batting not-so-great-as-that-Australian-fella).
Comm2: Thank you Comm1, yes we are finally set for the match, the clouds look lovely, the pitch looks good, the cute chick in the stands looks do-able…whoops..er…and both captains look hungry for the win. Indeed, they look hungrier than I was yesterday when presented some of that lovely (name of random Sri Lankan local cuisine currently sold in the spectator stands, which the camera focuses on instead of the actual cricket). Incidentally, that dish was invented only last night by Mr. Guranamishanwardene who wanted to give his fishing company employees some proper incentive during those long hours that they spent looking for my marriage ring that was swept away to sea as I lay drunk on the beach after our long binge session.
Comm1 (clearly overwhelmed look on his face): Err..yes..that’s an interesting tale Comm2. I'm so glad you brought this up now. Meanwhile, the first five overs have been bowled with 30 runs scored. I wonder if Sehwag will score a century given his recent poor run of form….
Comm2: Oh yes, he certainly has the skills to do so. He just needs to work on his footwork a little bit, just like I need to work on my skills at pressing the keypad on the new micromaxx Q6 mobile with added features of Bluetooth, one-touch facebook, and a camera that can take dirty pictures of my wife on the can without a clicky sound. Incidentally, I used that camera yesterday when your lovely ‘escort’ came over towards….
Comm1: AHEM!!!!! Thank you for that lovely insight Comm1. Yes indeed, the new micromaxx Q6 mobile with added features of Bluetooth, one-touch facebook, and a camera that can take dirty pictures of my wife on the can, is a revolutionary piece of technology. It’s nothing like anything you know. Just last week I had a Blackberry on me, but the moment the micromaxx guys came to my house and showed me their new micromaxx Q6 mobile with added features of Bluetooth, one-touch facebook, and a camera that can take dirty pictures of my wife on the can, (not to mention showing me a suitcase with $50,000 for mentioning the product 100 times per innings) I was stumped…hehe see? I can do sports puns as well.
Comm2: Why yes you can! My congratulations to you and your lovely escort. I’m sure there were plenty of puns that you could have used to cover up those lovely noises emanating from your hotel room last night as you….oh gosh did you just see that delivery that bowled Sehwag? It was a wicked delivery from Lasith Malinga. Quite fast and pacey…as fast and pacey as the new Yamaha FZ that comes with alloy wheels, a comfortable seat and can go from zero to 60 in 9seconds, alongwith mirrors to see if any cops are chasing you or not (laughs uncontrollably at his first joke of the year). The bike comes in three pretty colours, green, orange and black. I personally prefer the black as it covers up my otherwise girly looks, giving my wife the macho man she thoroughly deserves (but rarely gets).
Comm1: Ah yes, the Yamaha FZ, that wonderful piece of machinery. I tried riding that yesterday and was quite good at it actually. Only broke my hip and my right lateral meniscus. Which is when I switched over to the Fiat Linea currently on your screens that will be given to the man of the series who could well be…err…ahhh….hmmm…oh well, I’m sure our viewers are paying more attention to the game than we are, so they can predict it anyways. Incidentally, our viewers can SMS their predictions and a lucky winner wins the new micromaxx Q6 mobile with added features of Bluetooth, one-touch facebook, and a camera that can take dirty pictures of my wife on the can. Incidentally, I get bonus pay-offs from Oxford Dictionary Inc. for plugging the word incidentally into my commentary.
As I was saying, I was driving the new Fiat Linea across the paddy fields of Colombo yesterday, and came across some lovely temples and farmers, who showed my how I could get my poppy crops to grow to considerable lengths. All in all, during those lovely drives through the picturesque hills of Sri Lanka, I figured out what the point of this whole series is…i.e. take a holiday in a beach, watch some boring cricket on dead pitches, and earn money advertising ridiculous gadgets.
Comm2: Well said Comm1. all you potential commentators out there. Watch and learn! Cos this is how it’s done.
Oh and there’s a run out and that’s the end of the Indian innings. But not the end of ours eh Comm1? Now how about some lovely (random Sri Lankan delicacy being sold on the stands)? I notice there are some fair females doing the selling. Let’s see if we can bowl some maiden-s over eh? (producer rolls his eyes for the tenth time)
Comm1: So to our viewers, it’s goodbye from us and the next part of the match will be taken care of by Mr. (insert random hack Indian batsman who only played two games but is still classed as ‘expert’ by random sports channel) and Miss. (insert random Indian female celebrity with zero cricketing knowledge but desperate for publicity).

Rant 67: Happy World Photography Day

My most anticipated day (after birthdays of course!!!!)
on the occasion of world photography day, here's to those who endeavour to capture moments in time....
As Robert Capa once said: "If your pictures aren't good enough, you aren't close enough"

Motion capture on a train


Capturing smiles at tourist locales


Some are kind enough to return the favour! Many thanks Shazzy

Rant 66: The page that wishes it understood the true meaning of freedom

Independence day celebrations

From the darkness of subservience..came a new dawn

At offices and schools across the nation

Unfurling the flag

Salutes all around

None is spared...statue or street vendor

The freedom to sell...How many steps between a flag and the nation itself then???

Rant 65: The musical spectrum

One of my most life-changing experiences till date has been a month-long internship at RAVE magazine's Delhi office in the summer of 2008. Most of the "change-ings" were work related, not least as this was my first fully legitimate Photojournalistic experience. Now RAVE is (or was) a music magazine, however, the Delhi office was quite far removed from its Bangalore counterpart in terms of the coverage, genre-wise. While Bangalore is obviously more inclined towards whatever the flavour of the month is, or plain old stuff like rock and roll / metal / lounge, Delhi focuses on the more traditional Indian music forms. Now, I would be the first to admit that classical type music is not my cup of tea, but I was able to glean much musically and explore myself photographically as well. From spiritual renditions on a sitar by someone who has a permanent spot on National radio to wild-clapping and high pitched qawallis by a group from Pakistan to probably the most down-to-earth percussionist you can hope to find.
So, to start off, Sudha Mathur,
and as you can probably guess from the pic, she is as much a rock and roll enthusiast as I am of spinach curry. The woman has more than 25 years of playing this instrument under her belt and (as mentioned earlier) a permanent spot on All India Radio. However, she admits she enjoys passing on the fruits of her knowledge more than giving shows. Regardless, judging by the reaction of the audience at the India Habitat Centre - with more than the occasional "waah waah" flying around as well as song suggestions - it's obvious which would pay her better.
Of course, I could hardly understand most of what she sang, but I was well entertained by her lovely accompaniment on the second Sitar...

On to some energetic fare...
Music being one of the few things these days that transcends borders, it's more than worth your time and money if you can catch an authentic Qawalli act. And this particular troupe comes from none other than Pakistan. A performance that is sure to leave you gasping for more each and every time..

Throwing caution to the winds and everyone has a role...some sing, some keep the beat

Now, for many, music is pretty much an inborn talent, you either have it or you don't. For others, it can come as a result of a good background or just plain old healthy patronage.
Meet Prateek Chaudhari,

born with virtually a Silver Sitar in his hands, into a very musically inclined family - his Father being an accomplished musician himself.

The guy is skilled, there's no doubt and has a look on his face that tells you he knows exactly what he wants out of his music. He gave us stories of his performances abroad in Europe and the US. Funnily, according to him, it seems more foreigners come to classical music concerts than do our own desi brethren.
He seemed quite experienced in the whole art of "posing" as well, giving us pointers on how we could enhance his image...guess humility was not part of the Sitar School curriculum.


Next we have Debojyoti Bose on the Sarod. Now this was truly a mesmerising performance - even for someone like me -

After all that spiritual looking strumming, the first thing the man searches for in the green room (prior to our interview session) is a cigarette...ahh Irony, thy name is Gold Flake.

And finally, the down-to-earth percussionist...
Shailendra Mishra, a tabla player and having been a tabla student myself in my teenage years, I guess his was the instrument I was most attracted to among all the musicians I met.
I reached his home at around 11 am, just as one of his students was finishing his lesson. Shailendra then proceeded to give me a near-virtuoso solo performance and I was torn between reaching for my camera and sitting there staring like a dork (read: in amazement).









I think about this guy and then I recall this other tabla player I saw recently at a concert called Fireflies in Bangalore - who refused to play the first two songs of his band's set due to a sound problem, which amazingly only he was able discern...not the myriad of sound techies standing around, not to mention his own bandmates.

Oh yeah, in case you were wondering, Delhi does have quite an active rock and roll scene but my work-related sessions prevented me from attending many such shows. Nevertheless, here are two pics from a certain fest called "Yamonatsav" again at the Indian Habitat centre, conducted on the 5th of June (Environment Day), in tribute to New Delhi's endless quest to "finally" clean up the Yamuna river.











Raghu Dixit, played despite an injured right hand

Dunno the guy on the left...guy on right is bassist from Indian Ocean

HAPPY LISTENING!

Rant 64: Azad Hind Blogpost

Ok so my Friday nights are getting weirder by the day....BUT!!!!!!!
this is the limit
NOW,
I pride myself on the number of documentaries and movies I have seen on the second world war. Indeed, I can probably give a very informative Rant on Hitler's military moves during this period. However, among the many renditions of this futile war, there is one movie that just ticked me off.
As an Indian, I am proud of how much my earlier generation fought for the freedom but to see it condensed into THIS piece of bollywood influenced K-serial-esque DRAMA SHIT!! is just pushing it.
honestly! the movie Bose: The Forgotten Hero is perhaps the crappiest WW2 movie I have ever seen. I have only one sentence to describe it.

It is nothing less than a drama-induced Wikipedia article!


Basically, a fallen hero's life condensed into a 3 hour movie that jumps so fast, an olympic gymnast would be ashamed at the speed of it.
DO NOT WATCH IT! EVER!!!!!!!! you would do better to spend your time in a moth-infested library, researching Subash Chandra Bose's life

PS: I know I am being a tad hypocritical by linking wiki articles here but it's basically to prove my point....If you can't GET it ...then sadly you need to think harder..or maybe watch this crappy movie

Rant 63: The Road to Silence

Dear Loud Movie Goers who came for the 4:30 pm showing of Road, the Movie at Big Cinemas in Bharath Mall, Mangalore, on 7th March, and who were probably seated in Row M,
I write this because you have made me realize that even though we can try to be as non-racist, non-stereotyping and non-judgmental as humanly possible, and yet, when people like you decide to pull stunts like you did yesterday, it makes judging you all the more satisfying…and believe me, I love my sinning.
So here it goes. My friend Yashpal and I had settled in for a movie that, for my part, I had wanted to see for a long while, called Road, the Movie, starring Abhay Deol. I had enjoyed his performance in Dev D and admire his style of no-nonsense acting, in addition to the kind of films that he does. To further remind you of the kind of movie experience that you ruined for me, this movie is about…well, a road trip, which is why I was, to repeat myself, really really really looking forward to it.
However, you had other ideas…not just for me, but for 3 rows of audience who were probably too afraid of creating an unruly scene to confront you. I too was afraid of the same thing and hence am forced to bring your species into the limelight through this modus.
You took your right to free speech to a new level. You felt that every 24 frames that passed by on the screen deserved some kind of comment from you and your friends. I agree, the part where a kid – who works at a highway tea-stall – said to Abhay Deol: "Did you think this was a Starbucks?" is funny and deserves some sharing of comments in the few seconds succeeding such a jibe. However, some really touching scenes, such as Deol stopping short of consuming his entire bottle of water upon seeing the Rajasthani women walking past in a line in search of that precious liquid, did not deserve your two-cents worth. You did not care about how much you were affecting other people’s viewing experience. All you cared was that your comments should be heard by all and sundry. Your friends probably thought that your comments were making you the cool dude of the hall and thus joined in with their half-cents worth.
Why oh why did you choose to act this way??? You were not there with your girlfriend (nor were there any girls in your immediate vicinity) wherein your cheap and unsolicited comments may have elicited some giggles and thus boosted your ego. No! There was no prize up for grabs for Best-movie-reviewer-while-screening-goes-on. In short, there was absolutely no reason why your stupid stinking rice-hole blasted that cheap streaming radio for the entire length of the movie.
And do you know the worst consequence of your actions? It is the fact that based on your accent, I could tell that you and your friends are from the UP/Bihar regions of India and the kind of reputations that some from your community have garnered all these decades – of being rowdy and totally unaware of basic social etiquette – has once again been put on display. I do not know whether to congratulate you for sheer consistency or write a formal apology letter to the governments of UP and Bihar/Jharkhand for such blatant stereotyping.
What I do know, is that next time I see someone like you who doesn’t keep his comments to an appropriate decibel level, I will find the largest-sized bucket of that tasteless crap they call movie-hall pop-corn and shove its contents right down your throat!

BTW, Road, the Movie is quite a show. Open your mind completely and be prepared to suspend disbelief.

Rant 62: My Office Part 5

If you’re the head of an organization and you like the fact that your minions are doing good, productive work and you enjoy that your own superiors look upon you as a reliable manager, then I guess you would be having constant worries about your office's productivity levels. Day and night, you may be tortured by this worry, so much so that you start hating those D-Cold Total ads that claim relief from five types of pain (which now cannot even rid you of the one in your head alone).
Well, even though I may not be the graduate of a top-notch B-School, I can still give all you current and prospective managers a simple, yet effective tool of optimizing the productivity of your workforce. It’s called, Chair-Sense.
Believe it or not, a number of pointless research studies have shown that the choice of chairs in the office can either boost or hinder productivity. Let’s face it, we all love to sit for hours on a comfortable, if slightly ominous, deadline and hey, if I’m going to hatch some proverbial eggs while the whole world zooms by me, I damn well would like to do it on a nice ergonomic, fart-compatible, well-bottomed-out chair.
So here’s a rough guide to office chair selection. Remember, variety is the key to productivity:-

1) The Night Rider: With new improved aerodynamics, this sleek looking model is sure to leave you in good spirits. After all, who doesn’t benefit from a good half-an-hour snooze?!? This chair has been put through countless wind tunnel (night-shift) testings. Our experts (night-shift employees) have spent hours in near-180 degree positions so as to maximize your potential to view the office TV in a comfortable and "productive" position. Ideal for those with cravings for heavy lunches.
please note: the company is not liable for any spinal injuries resulting from sudden breakages while in near-180 degree positions. The firm does, however, intend to take full credit for the laughs that such sudden incidents generate amongst your colleagues.

2) The Brood-o-Matic 2000 (street name, the Muse Throne): All you world-weary Nestors, this is the chair for you. Designed especially for the many "devoted" hours you spend pretending to ponder with left hand fixed firmly on arm rest (scratching your chin... Yes yes, we know, solitaire is a tough game). The side arm rests have been fixed with an extra springy base to provide maximum comfort during those long endurance levels of cleaning up your chicken’s shit in Farmville; and with motorcycle-grade shock absorbers for supreme agility during heated battles in Mafia Wars. Lock and Load!!!

3) The Trumpet: Once you have imbibed the suggestions from your newspaper’s horoscope section ("you are strong, energetic, outgoing and will definitely get some action today despite your pig-like odour and drool" etc) and have filled yourself up with enough Red Bull to rival Maverick's F-16, take a ride on a model we lovingly call Jerry the mouse. The pure symphony of squeaky noises from your constant "adjustments" will leave even Pavarotti spellbound. Let the whole world know how often you roll around inside your cubicle or shift your backside just that wee bit for a quick and noiseless…well …you-know-what. Let your boss figure out how much you miss your baby crib with some good old-fashioned rocking! Remember it’s all about the music.

It’s of course difficult to list all the models here but do take the time to research all your options before choosing the right mix of chairs. Remember that each employee has different tastes and thus is suited for one particular chair. If perchance he/she feels at ease with more than one type, then congratulations, you have found a go-getter; somebody who can fit in anywhere and in any situation. You may now promote him to your post and take a long awaited vacation into the world of retirement.