Rant 89: The most important sportsman

The lights shone bright on the green surface some hundred yards away from where I sat. On the surface, individuals from a certain sports team I favoured were battling it out for top honours against their rivals. The tension was immense and threatened to overshadow the excitement of watching the title clash unfolding in front of me. The crowd – which had packed the stands to breaking point - had been waiting for what seemed like ages. Some, like me, stood transfixed by the action, unable to move; others had closed their eyes in silent prayer; still others were singing their hearts out for that extra piece of inspiration to surge the team onward.

At last, just as all hope was lost, the winning moment arrived as my team’s captain pulled off a spectacular strike to send the packed house into delirium.

Replace team with either the Indian cricket team or Manchester United. The strange bit is perhaps the fact that there is not much by way of differences to compare. Perhaps this is because both sports occupy the primary position of following in their respective countries.

Sudhir Kumar Chaudhary (right)

Fans of either team, or even just of the sport itself, are a curious brand of patrons. It doesn’t matter whether you’re spending more than eight hours in 40-degree heat to watch India pull off a world cup win, or spending two hours in minus-four-degree cold to see United see off noisy neighbours Manchester City. The sheer amount of passion and dedication employed by both sets of fans is the same.

Chacha Cricket

For thousands, a match is more than just a result. Days, sometimes entire lives, are based around following their team. Take the case of Sudhir Kumar Chaudhary,  who was awared an honourary ticket for all of India’s home matches, or Pakistan fan Chaudhry Abdul Jalil lovingly known as chacha (uncle) insert picture or the Portsmouth fan, who legally had his name changed to John Anthony Portsmouth Football Club Westwood to show his dedication for the south coast side.

John Westwood

The fan following has a curious effect on the rest of the populace, at least in the case of India and Pakistan. The two nations may be at odds over several political issues, and border tensions may be high, but Chaudhary and Chacha are guaranteed recipients of match tickets and travel visas when the two sides meet in their respective backyards. As a result, entire nations can shake off political differences.

It just goes to show how sport can transcend borders, and as Wanderley Luxemburgo, Brazil football team’s coach in 1999 said: "A player who conjugates a verb in the first person singular cannot be part of the squad, he has to conjugate the verb in the first person plural. We. We want to conquer. We are going to conquer. Using the word I when you're in a group makes things complicated."

The true sports fan is the 12th man for any team, and will perhaps be the first to speak the aforementioned words.

Rant 88: I miss you

I am about to embark upon a new chapter in my life. It will take place in a foreign land. I will be taking on an educational challenge that will define my career, meeting new people, building on some acquaintances, and continuing a very special relationship. I cannot begin to describe how excited I am about this new chapter. (For brevity's sake, let's assume: I am excited).
However, I will leave behind some incredible memories and:-

1) The culmination of perhaps India's most revolutionary time since the Emergency. I do not have an opinion on the cause that "team Anna" and the government are at loggerheads over. However, the buzz about anti-corruption seems to have reached a frenzy and god help me, I might just miss that.

2) The first ever Formula One Indian Grand Prix. Like it for its thrill-a-minute excitement or hate it for the extreme waste of natural resources, the sport will gain a huge amount of attention once the five red lights go out at the Buddh International Circuit in Delhi. I will miss being a part of the action.

3) Metallica's first Indian concert. I fell to the peer pressure tactic of listening to heavy metal back in my high school days. And while I've discarded most of the bands that I thought I liked back then, Metallica remains a band that I still enjoy very much. I probably cannot tell my E flat note from my B-Major-extended-then-drop-it-down-two-notches-before-using-your-thumb-on-the-E-string chord, but the acquired listening taste towards ear-splitting music is well worth the intense neck pain from a night of drunken headbanging whilst rapidly air-guitaring. I will miss doing that on the national stage.

4) Sporting revenge. After all the back-slapping/public flogging about how England thoroughly beat the flying shit out of India was over, we realised that England probably had the upper hand thanks to home advantage. Well, among several other reasons I'm sure, but let's keep the home advantage tag for argument's sake. Well Sir! you'll find that India are top dogs in our own backyard as well! Come October and England visit India, so bloody hell, I'm going to thoroughly miss the sight of our Men in Blue exacting revenge.

Rant 87: Do you vomit Blue???

And so at last the bubble has burst. After months and months of self-aggrandisement, it has finally been proven that simply waving a flag, "having the best batting order", and the most "cunning captain in the world", cannot save a cricket team from being absolute s**t when the situation calls for it.
To all the media hacks and Ravi Shastri who claim that our batting, bowling, selection policy and Kris Srikkanth's slurred ramblings are the best, you are wrong!! Because as we all know, the hard-working Indian cricket fan is the world's greatest batsman (arrey front foot pey khelo saale bhadwe!!!), the world's greatest bowler (round the wicket pphekega toh swing karega dekhna!), and of course selector (abey woh west zone key against biased hai isliye nai choose kiya mujhe).
And so I decided to explore what the paying public had to say about the damning humiliation that has befallen our cricketers in Jolly Ol' England. The article itself does not matter too much. It could range from "Dhoni should employ more spinners" to "My grandmother with Alzheimer could have played that shot better".... I picked out the aptly titled: "Why Team India is in a state of free fall" .
The points made were astute I guess: reasons for the defeat, our under-preparedness, our selection policy, our batting, our bowling, our dinner break, and topped off with the poignant conclusion that "hah! Ganguly could have done a much better job. I told u so, but forget it, I'm off to have some misti doi"
And as predicted, a plethora of comments ensued. SK clearly had the measure of things in terms of coaches as he sounded a warning to the BCCI by claiming: "I hope this is the clear sign of lossing a GARY KRISTAN." Clearly, the players are not focused enough because we seem to have lost any memory of a coach called Gary "Kristan". Presumably Mr Kristan was the interim coach after Gary Kirsten resigned from his post.
VCjob took on the task of speaking for all the grumpy-old-men of India's middle-class, who never return the cricket ball when it lands in their front yard. We lost the match "because cricket is a freaking game of chance and Indians are wasting youngster's talent and time on this worthless game." Well said Sir! Mr Malhotra from house no. 42 will visit you soon and gift you some barfi as soon as his afternoon siesta is done and he has taken his meds for the day.
Charudatta Lamaye, in his infinite wisdom, outlined a 12-point programme for the resurrection of our fortunes, where the phrase knee-jerk reaction at last had a champion, and pearls such as "cannot judge Munaf as he did not play" wreaked havoc among the BCCI elite! This author would like to add that we also cannot judge Parthiv Patel, Ravindra Jadeja, Sunil Gavaskar, my neighbour, my neighbour's daughter and the alleyway rascal who keeps sending her rude letters, as all these characters did not play the match either.
A teary-eyed Anand Bhagwat recalled the old days, and keeping small matters like grammar and coherence completely out of the equation, bellowed: "India should play aggresively...If Ganguly is caption the were different, Indian team doesn't have face their...Its look like India is not playing there...we are Missing Sourav's agression." Quite why Ganguly would want to be the "caption" for the sorry picture of Indian cricket is unclear.
Jay, having flipped through the entire rulebook of cricket, promptly threw it out the window and concluded that cricket, after all, is a one-man game. And not just any man, but somebody who's literally broken his back for the love of the game. Yet, the immediate reaction demanded by Jay was: "Tendulkar should quit playing Test cricket as an apology to the nation." According to rumours, a visibly shocked Tendulkar later issued a press release where it was his precise intention to speak during Parliament's winter session, donate a million gallons of milk to his local temple, and whip himself dry while wearing a pink tutu and asking himself: "have I made it large??"
Ashish, fresh out of Harvard Business School and having watched his girlfriend deliver a sexy report on NDTV Profit, attempted to explain things a little more scientifically. And of course, being the financially astute gentleman he is, his analogy referred to the US and its ongoing problems. "its just one of the bad patches," he remarked. "just like the downward spiral of the Dow Index as SnP downgraded US from AAA to AA....its something similar. Kind of a jolt, nothing to be worried about. Team India still has the substance, just as US gives good returns despite being AA."
So there you go! Bums on Seats are what make our country the fine democrazy it is, and our cricket team the best damn actors to grace the Kingfisher 2011 Calendar.
There are several of us however, who worry about the real problems facing this country, and Tapan Kumar's comment at the very bottom of the page highlights concerns that I'm sure each and every one of us faces at some point in our lives.
"If appears that bengalis might have f..ked you under someones consent that's you are nervous about permanant erection."

Rant 86: Chaos is always politically correct

I've always wondered what the world looked like when the lights change...
shame a butterfly is used mostly as an unlikely example of the impending madness...


The madness spares no one, regardless of gender, race, creed, colour, or any other form of man-made distinction...when it's time to go, it's one big fucking blur...

Ah there it is!

Rant 85: Let's not forget....

...the elephant in the room called emotion...

nobody likes to be given a full dose of it

Rant 84: A day in the life of body art

If you've ever walked into(/gate-crashed-because-you're-hungry) an Indian wedding, then apart from the great quantities of food, there is perhaps no other element that characterises our love for exuberance than dresses and accessories. Gold jewellery worn as if we've run short of dresses to cover ourselves, sarees sweeping around in a sea of red, and if it's a modern Indian/NRI type pphamilee waaley, then perhaps a virtual catalogue of the latest mobiles (with so many mega-pixels thrust into them, our poor DSLRs cower in shame!)
And yet, there is one such accessory that I find is a lot more subtle. The Mehndi. Wholly traditional and much more beautiful than all the jewellery you can buy, I feel.
This simple application of Henna paste is perhaps the cheapest form of beautifying yourself, and yet it makes for some interesting times. The entire clan gets involved. The official "artist" is always somebody known to the family and is the only one who does all the decorating. However, the need to get ones hands painted is endemic, as one after the other, the women clamour to have these intricate and beautiful designs done, and in a sub-conscious way, each wants it done better than the last person's (be aware, though, that your's can/should/will NEVER be better than the bride's).

(Clockwise from top: the making, the finished product, the drying)

It also adds a different touch to how we attempt otherwise perfectly normal things...

And once the paste has dried off....

Voila! your palms are officially ready to bless the happy couple!

Rant 83: What is real beauty?

Beauty is a grey area...there is no black and white...or is there? Maybe India has a few answers to the questions of absolute beauty that my camera and I have been searching for.

Real Beauty is...

...our religious uniqueness?

...our History, as fresh as the flora that adorns it?

...the adventures of a middle-class upbringing?

...the value of simple memories?

...perhaps of a simple meal?

...our resourcefulness?

...enshrined in a fundamental right?

...the power to take a stand against injustice?

...the joys of a national passion?

...the joy of losing yourself in the moment?

...perhaps it is the realisation that the search for answers is endless?